Caiso

 

THE SOPRANOS — COLD OPEN

“Chicken Vesicle”

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EXT. NEWARK – NIGHT

The moon hangs low over the gritty streets of Newark. Neon signs flicker. A battered Soprano family sedan rolls down a side street and pulls into a dimly lit parking lot in front of an unassuming Indian restaurant. The sign is barely visible: “Maharaja Curry House.”

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

TONY SOPRANO and PAULIE 'WALNUTS' GUALTIERI sit at a corner table. The décor is a bizarre mix of fake elephants and colorful tapestries. They look uncomfortable, unsure of what they're getting into.

TONY
(taking a bite)
This is... different. What’s this called?

WAITER
(softly, accent thick)
Chicken vesicle, sir. One of our most popular dishes.

TONY
(chuckling, to Paulie)
Vesicle. Sounds like somethin’ you need a prescription for.

Paulie, frowning, picks at his plate. The food is bright and off-putting—too much spice, too much color. The two men chew slowly, exchanging glances.

PAULIE
(suspicious)
You sure this is real chicken? Smells like something you use to clean a car.

TONY
(grinning)
It’s foreign, Paulie. Must be how they do it. Maybe this is what fancy people eat.

They continue eating with forced politeness. A long beat of awkward silence.

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INT. TONY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

The front door creaks open. Tony stumbles in, looking pale and sweating.

TONY (V.O.)
(shaky)
This ain’t good. Maybe I ate too much. Maybe I’m not built for this... fancy foreign food shit.

He pauses in the living room, hands on his stomach. His face scrunches in pain.

TONY
(speaking softly to himself)
Just sit down, Tony. Relax. Get through the night.

But the pain grows. His face turns red.

TONY (V.O.)
(voice rising)
No... No, this ain't the same. This feels different. This feels like pain.

He stumbles to the bedroom.

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INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

CARMELA stirs, sensing Tony’s distress. He slumps against the bed, gasping for air.

CARMELA
Tony? What’s going on?

TONY
(gripping his stomach)
It’s not my head, Carm. It’s my stomach. Jesus Christ.

CARMELA
You had a panic attack again, didn’t you?

Tony stands up suddenly, eyes wide.

TONY
I’m nauseous, Carm! I’m gonna—

He bolts toward the bathroom, moving with a speed she’s never seen from him before.

CARMELA
(half-laughing, half-concerned)
What are you doing?! You okay?!

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INT. BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

Tony bursts through the door, knocking it open in his haste. He yanks the toilet lid up, and immediately begins to vomit violently.

TONY
(panting, between heaves)
It’s the chicken! That damn chicken vesicle! Fuck those Indians!

His body convulses again. A loud fart follows, followed by a torrent of liquid diarrhea splashing into the toilet.

TONY (V.O.)
(frantically)
I’m dying. This is it. This is how I go out.

The toilet sounds are horrendous. He grips the sink, sweating profusely, his face a shade of pale he’s never seen before.

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INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

CARMELA, now wide awake, steps out of the bedroom. She hears Tony’s violent noises from the bathroom and quickly grabs her robe.

CARMELA
(half-yelling)
Tony! What’s going on?!

She steps into the hallway, where MEADOW and A.J. are both poking their heads out of their rooms. Meadow is clearly concerned.

MEADOW
What’s happening? Why’s Dad—

CARMELA
(sighing, exhausted)
Your father has food poisoning.

A long, uncomfortable pause. Then, from the bathroom, a series of loud farts and the unmistakable sound of liquid diarrhea.

A.J.
(laughing uncontrollably)
Holy shit, did you hear that?!

MEADOW
(rolling her eyes, annoyed)
God, that’s so gross.

CARMELA
(looking straight ahead)
Go back to bed. This is adult business.

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INT. BATHROOM – LATER NIGHT

Tony, now drenched in sweat, leans against the sink, eyes wide. He groans. The toilet flushes behind him.

TONY (V.O.)
(half-delirious)
That’s it. No more. Never again. This was a mistake. I should’ve just ordered a goddamn slice of pizza.

His head lolls to one side, and he slumps forward. Sweat pours off him as the pain rages in his stomach.

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INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

Tony sits at the table, staring at a Gatorade bottle like it’s his last lifeline. He’s still pale, looking like he’s been through a war.

He picks up his phone, dialing.

TONY
(into phone, raspy)
Paulie, you there?

PAULIE (O.S.)
Yeah, yeah. What’s up?

TONY
I’m tellin’ you, I’m never eatin’ that shit again. I spent the whole night in the bathroom. I’m gonna kill that cook.

PAULIE (O.S.)
I was up ‘til 4 a.m., Tone. That place is dead to me. Dead.

TONY
(angrily)
They’re not just dead, Paulie. They’re gonna be dead. You and me, we’re payin’ them a visit.

He slams the phone down, still in pain, but a fire building inside him.

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FADE TO BLACK.
[END COLD OPEN]

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This cold open sets up the scene for a full episode where Tony deals with the consequences of his “food adventure,” while also giving that signature Sopranos mix of humor, family drama, and tension. The audience is hooked right away, and Tony’s suffering becomes a comedic yet relatable starting point for a larger mafia-driven plot.

Let me know if you'd like to continue building from here!

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